13 Years

*this was a poem that i wrote called 13 years*
*either reply here or at my myspace


You were there for me when all was lost

You were my only light i could see

When mist was clouding my eyes, you lead me through

As you vanished with the light of the moon, i got caged

You trapped my heart inside a cave with no light

I'm constantly struggling to find the little water needed to survive

Even as i make progress towards the edge of the cave, your mud weighs
me down

Lost in my mood of despair, self inflicted cuts feel better than the pain you
set

Wrapped in my blanket of warm blood, i see nothing but stars

you've decapitated this body of mine with a smile

When will you sow it back up with needles and love

you cast me into the dark without a last glance

At the end I'll wait here bleeding enclosed in my bubble of love and self
endorsed hate

Self Pity

I was watching GI Jane and this poem was mentioned several times, after lookin at it several times, it struck me how true this was. we are such irresponsable creatures. the only one with imaginations, but if that is truly in your heart then i suggest medicate your self pity with denial of responsabilities, or at least whatever is paining you so much. honestly the movie is ultra sexy not really because of the delish appearance of people, but more so what their nature is. Funny, i think i can relate at least a little to lawrence, however normally i'll finally reach a state of apathy well before my barriers disappear.

"Self-Pity

I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself.

D. H. Lawrence"

anyways i just felt it was very true and a lesson learned.

life choices... or are they...

Thursday, October 30, 2008

As many have heard my plans have pretty much been to move to Knoxville, i won't lie about it I've liked this person for a while now... what sucks is it's 12:00 am and i am left wondering about if it's what's right for me, or smart. my friends have told me follow your heart, and it says give it a shot but then why am i still awake. why do i want to drown myself inside the bottle and escape for the night. i've chosen a career path and i do think i'll do well in it, however i'm not sure i know what to do in a future ordering me where or where not to settle. i know alot of it has to do with i don't realy know many if anyone in knoxville and i hate being alone. i was walking to school today at 6:30 am in a land of frost and the only thing i could think of was just how nice it was to be in OZ. I've traveled places yes, i've met many unique individuals but it doesn't and hasn't told me where my place is in this world. i don't consider it morbid but there have been many times over where i considered myself a walking corpse. i am a child meant to have died away at some point and yet i live on. i will continue defiance until my flame is out however i'm unclear what my destiny or future should be. i'm positive of what i could do and what some possabilities are but i'm not sure if i'm man enough to make either choice about them. yet i have to, i must, and i know i will in the end.

i met some mormons recently , i do know that if i could redo life if given the choice i'm not sure i would enter a time of dejavu . i've seen so many relationships fail , mine including. yet i also see just as many thrive. it's in my nature to question things but who am i to try and predict something when i'm so damn self destructive. i could build the world but one day destroy it out of boredom. reality is what we percieve it to be yet many and myself included walk with indifference.

winter i'm sure is in my heart , i radiate heat through the snow. My body has always been warm to the touch when i will it to be so. i can pretty much monitor just how warm or cold i am despite most environments. where i'm going with this is when i saw all the frost my mind was clear, i didn't care what future existed because there was none, only the present. life isn't about the choises you make or the person you become, it's about the present, there is no past, not future you just are. you exist you thrive you suffer. i'm still not sure what i'll do but i was at home this morning in the cold. i was warm i breathed easy and there was no future to weigh me down. for that single moment of true peace, i'm thankful.

- Rory Williams
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the pain of oma and ectomy aka cancer and it's removal from the body

It's like a silent play of swords ravishing my mind. I read all these stories of people in pain. People going through treatment too end the suffering caused by cancers deep encircled within their bodies. Perhaps my goal wasn't very clearly defined at the start, but it's my hope that one day i can at least pull off some of the harsh pain these people go through. I'm deeply saddened every time i hear another voice cry out in pain. bald faces look out in the night. I've always found it strange we inject people with something that kills your body as well as saves you, that is until i learned of the nature of cancer, then it made too much sense. It is a vile disease. It sickens my soul and blackens my heart with plaque knowing someone's lover , someone's heart must go through something that can't be cured only removed. I look forward to the day we can actually do something to help those around us, instead of shoving a mirror in front of them, ectomy is not a cure. ectomy is nothing but more pain, and taking from them what they already had, however it's the best we have today, and as long as this is the case, people will always cry out in pain and fear.

-Rory Williams
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The most dangerous four letter word of them all

It's 6:20 and I'm speechless.
My ears were captivated and delighted by this blessed song.
The song told so much that either is or has been hidden inside.
It's times like this, that I'm woken from my sleep , and yet not angry despite it being before 5:00. 
I simply lay in bed waiting for another song on their two cds that had so much meaning for me. 
Yet the wait was in vain... but i didn't want to lose track of what this song held.
It speaks of a person who captures the eye of another.
How it was only but a normal day until they walked into their lives.
Despite friends, family , people of no significance all asking why... you are unable to answer, even knowing that that reason is party because they might make you a bit more whole. 
So you take your time away, you don't speak to this person for a while because the future in store... pure happiness just scares you.
You start to believe that their better off without your obsolete voice speaking in their ears.
You finally get scared that maybe you made a huge mistake so you reappear into their lives. 
you debate daily on if your being safe by saying hello. 
their words, their feelings, all the center of your daily reality and source of your greater happiness.
You want to tell them you love them, you do so daily, but it's all words.
Your voice has been quiet for so long that to them it's another fictional book in their lives.
they have already read the chapters in store, and you understand that by walking out you may have killed what happiness could have been.
Your friends and family all stunned simply watch as you vanish. 
Each of them not knowing exactly why you seem to fade.
You love this person so much that honestly you never gave up.
It's a fairy tale romance in your heart and you simply want to be that person who found the key to their heart too.
you never stop chasing your beloved, yet wonder if her eyes will ever see you the same.
Your world is plastered in pain, chest spread open pain enveloping your core. 
Every thing they say still reaches your ears and affects you. 
You wonder if they care, and if each day is in vain.
You hope that they will turn the clock back to a happier day.
And that one day you say that four letter word in such a way that, they will mean it just like you.

- Rory Williams
Visit my Myspace and say hello!!!