life choices... or are they...

Thursday, October 30, 2008

As many have heard my plans have pretty much been to move to Knoxville, i won't lie about it I've liked this person for a while now... what sucks is it's 12:00 am and i am left wondering about if it's what's right for me, or smart. my friends have told me follow your heart, and it says give it a shot but then why am i still awake. why do i want to drown myself inside the bottle and escape for the night. i've chosen a career path and i do think i'll do well in it, however i'm not sure i know what to do in a future ordering me where or where not to settle. i know alot of it has to do with i don't realy know many if anyone in knoxville and i hate being alone. i was walking to school today at 6:30 am in a land of frost and the only thing i could think of was just how nice it was to be in OZ. I've traveled places yes, i've met many unique individuals but it doesn't and hasn't told me where my place is in this world. i don't consider it morbid but there have been many times over where i considered myself a walking corpse. i am a child meant to have died away at some point and yet i live on. i will continue defiance until my flame is out however i'm unclear what my destiny or future should be. i'm positive of what i could do and what some possabilities are but i'm not sure if i'm man enough to make either choice about them. yet i have to, i must, and i know i will in the end.

i met some mormons recently , i do know that if i could redo life if given the choice i'm not sure i would enter a time of dejavu . i've seen so many relationships fail , mine including. yet i also see just as many thrive. it's in my nature to question things but who am i to try and predict something when i'm so damn self destructive. i could build the world but one day destroy it out of boredom. reality is what we percieve it to be yet many and myself included walk with indifference.

winter i'm sure is in my heart , i radiate heat through the snow. My body has always been warm to the touch when i will it to be so. i can pretty much monitor just how warm or cold i am despite most environments. where i'm going with this is when i saw all the frost my mind was clear, i didn't care what future existed because there was none, only the present. life isn't about the choises you make or the person you become, it's about the present, there is no past, not future you just are. you exist you thrive you suffer. i'm still not sure what i'll do but i was at home this morning in the cold. i was warm i breathed easy and there was no future to weigh me down. for that single moment of true peace, i'm thankful.

- Rory Williams
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