twilight, women, inspiration, new beginning

I was reading the third book of twilight when the issue of engagements was presented to me.
I had thought of what kind of jewelry i wanted to be able to purchase for the one i loved. white gold is such a beautiful substance, however diamonds have always been depicted as the material to exhibit your love the most. Women have fancied the aged rock for centuries, and i find myself saddened with the idea that i would not be able to purchase exactly what i would want for a woman who i find, simply more amazing then water. I consider myself a fairly simple person. The small things in life have always made me much more happy then the later larger more insignificant things that come my way. It is without fail however, that i must remember how well my grandfather supported his family. I do not know the specifics of his marriage but if memory serves me, my grandmother's ring was just as amazing as she was a person. I loved the two of them greatly, still do, and he showed me that it's not just about supporting the people you love, it's about providing for them so that they have no need for wanting as well. As far as i can remember he was the only provider for 4 children and his wife. To me, he was the greatest man that ever walked the earth. I have so much respect for my grandfather, and yet i am disheartened because he did not live long enough and i had not the foresight to ask him what i want today. How did you provide for them so well? How were you able to show Poppie that you loved her to the extent you did. I want to be half the man you showed me that you were so badly i want to
punch the very stones around me. And yet when i look around me all i see is failure, uncertainty, and ignorant well wishing. I have failed so many times over and over again, yet i find myself in a position where failure is now unacceptable. I know for sure i am in love with a girl, whom one day i hope that she returns my feelings. That is the one unwavering thought i have, yet i wonder if i can support her as i should. I have no problem with the thought of a modern woman working, yet i want her to work not because she needs to, yet because she wants to. I want to provide her with the things, as materialistic as they are, that my grandfather supported his wife with. I want her to have the world and more. I wonder, is it unrealistic to strive to obtain stuff, not for yourself, but instead for those that you love and or hold so close to you? They have shows for crazy deluded people such as myself, many of which support the host with a 6 ft block of concrete on each wall, sustaining and harboring the inhabitant with bars of steal and hinges of iron, a toilet to both urinate and drink out of, and a poorly furnished bed to sleep on, all of which are deprived of any signs of human caring and are instead radiating the very indifference we share with one another. And yet, i am stuck with the nagging thought of is it deluded to hope or wonder if this person will indeed look at me as more then a friend? I have certainly thought of her as more then such for a number of years. However, i also wonder if it's fair to allow her to love me, as i am certainly not the best person alive that could provide for her momentarily. There is really only one thing right now that scares me. I am not scared by death, i am not scared of injury, i am not scared of the unknown. What scares me the most, is the mere posablity of her being angry with or at me. This is beyond insanity for me, as i don't particuarly care if any one else has any thoughts equally or acceleratingly more potent , such as hate, towards my person. I find myself in quite the place though. I care for this woman so much that when she is mad at me or ignores me, i find myself more confused, or deliberately foul towards others, and/or self destructive. I remember being hurt by her earlier this year when i had caught her lying to me. My choice was equally as powerful, yet much more stupid then the attempt to out whit me. I had takin a semi dull knife and carved a scar into my left arm. I wanted a mark so no matter what happened i could not forget her, yet i could focus on the pain and come to bear anything she sent my way intentionally or/and unintentionally. This mark on my arm taught me not just how painful love is, yet it constantly shows me just how powerful it is as well. First, let me interject by stating i am not really a cutter. I don't find anything pleasurable about the experience nor have i found it worth romanticizing about, yet i thing and support the practice if done intelligently and with logical reason. To me people i have opened up and given love are not to be forgotten. It is for this reason i have a scar on my left arm for someone I don't think I am meant to forget. People receive rings they take off time after time again, however i elected with or without her love to receive something much more/less visible that can never be removed. This all backtracks to the self destructive. To me when they lied, they were showing me that they did not care enough to tell the truth, and as such while i did not want to forget them, i didn't and would not allow myself to be hurt again. The problem was solved. The scar formed, and it constantly reminds me that women are not worth loving completely until they prove to you that they are willing to give you half of what you have for them back towards yourself.

i caught myself several times reading twilight #4, not to the amusement of the occupants of the room i was in, punching the wall, whenever rival lovers were combating one another with both words and thoughts. Ill wishes i am sure were passed my way , as i could do nothing but allow the bricks and wood door to redden the knuckles on the pale white paper we call skin. smiling as pain staggered up and down my arms, i only enjoyed the book farther. This happened some 4 or 5 times throughout the night, not to the amusement of my sleeping room mate. As pissed as he was from his slumber being intruded upon i couldn't help but have a sick smile that twisted and wormed it's way up my face. The night had not been lost, as the author had struck a few cords of perverse anger through me, as i related the feelings spent in the book from Edward and Jacob, to that of myself. Several times i found myself agreeing with choices made inside the book all the while being mortally offended by the romantic nature of Edward. Humor as potent as what i was experiencing should have been made illegal, as the very nature of it threatened to rip my gut and spleen apart.

Over the weekend i found out that i had become an uncle. This i am fairly happy about, as he's a very cut asian baby lol. However i visited a sister of mine who pointed out what so many friends had tried to show me, tell me, convince me, privy me to time after time again. She had pointed out that if the woman whom i am totally absorbed with, adore and loved actually cared for me, then she'd have both seen me more by now as well as been putting in 50 percent of what i try to put into our friendship. I had made a choice on waiting until the end of the year before i threw it all way, however now i'm unclear. I never do well being ignored, and i am slowly beginning to find this person remarkably useless. I think that the way i've been being treated borders on foul and i can certainly see myself becoming rather detached from this individual. I love her with all my heart but i'm scared of being hurt far worse then anything else. I'm sure i am far from the perfect friend. I know i'd be a terrible boyfriend in comparison to some. yet i still love her to death and would toss everything and everyone in the world away just for the chance of making a start with her. this she knows. so it hurts far worse knowing that her silence is a refusal to acknowledge or try. women like this... idk if i have the energy to say, however honestly i can say that no other woman has hurt me worse than this. life moves on though i must stay strong and not allow anyone to alter the plan i have beset before me in life. And as for this girl... she knows the way i feel, that won't change but until i get my car ready and am able to get up there, i doubt she'd so much as glance in my direction. it is after given much thought energy and lack of sleep that i have decided to shut off my phone turn off the internet and refuse to contact anyone but my closest friends for a time undisclosed. truth be told, i had silently been slowly becoming a romantic ... lol no smiles please they make me vomit. Much to my regret but also much to the benefit of the world, never again. I doubt i have many teenage romanticized feelings left, instead i'll be a realist from this day forth. to the girl... you are still the woman of my dreams, i love you, i'm sorry, i'm stupid, goodbye. I don't have anything to back my thinking on other then knowing the way she acts for some 3 plus years now. I can certainly hope she messages me and says i want you as my friend come back, however... i guess i'm giving up, her easy way out that is if she hasn't already taken it. lol what exactly do i want? i want the world, i want her, i want everything above... non of which i have either earned or an in the right of. however i love and i want, and i am feeling that i have certainly lost the fight and possably the war. so in short i want her, i still want us to at least be friends, however i can't promise what my reaction will be when i find out on my own *like usual* why things arn't like they normally have been.